Now, with that said, I am tired of being considered less... by my own community. Because I am a cis (equals biological) male, I am apparently assumed to be close minded and judgmental about the other parts of the rainbow. I am told that I can never understand what it is like to be a woman, or a black man, or a transgender-ed person because I was not born any of these. I am told that I am unique because I don't take issue with racial or physical differences when looking at my friends and loved ones.
When I suggested helping start a Transgender support group, I was told I would look like a predator or that my being there would make any trans-men feel uncomfortable.That my being there would be counterproductive of the meeting and that I would be force-ably outing the trans-men in my community. And my question is: If I am a true ally to all, why must I be made to feel that my help, my support is worthless?
And I am not alone. I have watched as many were told, "We appreciate your support, but you don't understand what it's like?" And one can only be told that so many times before walking away, feeling useless and ashamed that there is nothing we can offer.
We are all of a life journey to find and realize our true selves. How is it that my experiences are less valuable because I am a cis male and white? Have I never been the minority? Have I never felt unloved or unwanted? I submit that we, as a human species, are all subjected to judgment from the masses, from our families and friends. And to be told that I'm not good enough to help anyone understand is insulting and perpetuates the same anger and frustration that my transgender counterparts feel.
As a human being, I feel that as long as we continue to fight against each other and even those willing to help, we all lose. As long as we continue to talk about how your struggle is tougher than my struggle, we are not focusing on the things that will help us grow. As long as we tell ourselves and others that their help is not needed, their advice is not wanted, and their life experiences are invalid, we deny ourselves the ability to see the common themes and change so that all people are equal, dignified, and loved.
This is the final battle: to be able to see and accept love from all who offer it and to believe in good intent even in the hardest of lessons. We will always fight hate in it's various forms, but it is only when we forget the power and healing of love that we are truly lost.
Agreed. I hear the same crap because I'm female and straight. I hear from a lot of the GLBT community that my help is not wanted. But you can't force the issue. I say be who you are, love who you love, and just be willing to catch the ones that do reach out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your frustration, pain, and dreams with us, Will. While I certainly don't have an identical path, marginalizing a person's feelings infuriates me. We all have different capacities for emotion - whatever they may be. So saying "my pain is worse than yours" is the mark of a bully, a soulless creature who has lost their compassion for humanity. These people thrive on baring their pain like a badge. It accomplishes little, alienates those who might actually care to help, and, I think, keeps them stuck in their agony. I'm glad we met, and I look forward to knowing you better.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel the same way. I am a cis-gendered Female, white, pansexual but prefers women who is in the process of ending an almost decade long (8.5 years) marriage/relationship with a man. I run our local LGBT+ group, and I was recently told that because I didn't decide to be a lesbian when I was young that I am LESS than as a lesbian. That the fact that I am a MOTHER makes me not as sympathetic or whatever to the "cause". That I don't understand the struggles of being out long term. I get the same thing from gay men (although most gay men I know are awesome and happy to have an ally), and some trans* people. What happened to being a COMMUNITY? Why do we have to compartmentalize ourselves to death? Do I have to understand everyone's personal struggle in order to believe that they have the right to be treated equally and fairly? Does it really matter who I fall in love with and why? Does it really matter who YOU fall in love with and why? I think that at the end of the day the ONLY thing that matters is that we love. That we treat our family, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors and perfect strangers like they matter. Like their words and actions and lives are important. That we treat each other with kindness and compassion. It's hard enough being different. That's all I have to understand. We need to start letting our differences bring us together instead of separating us. Sure standing alone is admirable, but lonely. <3 rant over.. sorry to jump in honey lol.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) again, pain is pain, we are stronger when we share what we know to help each other. I'd love to shorten someone's agony. Who am I to say, you haven't suffered long or well enough.
DeleteI am a trans-female, and have had discussions and blogged myself of cis-gender gay and lesbians lack of support, but also aware there are many that do support the trans community. What you have expierenced is very unfortunate and is not a representation of all within the trans community. Many of us are literally begging for our LGB cis-gender brothers and sisters support and acknowledgment, so thank you for your willingness to be supportive and do know many of us are very appreciative, don't loose faith, there are bad apples on both sides of the isle. Thank you for your support.
DeleteI am sorry this experience has left you feeling unappreciated and even ‘useless and ashamed.’ I get that you feel personally attacked and trivialized, however, I also feel this is a case of poor communication more than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI am transgender and I belong to a transgender support group on my college campus. Being trans* is not easy; it is scary, and it can be extremely dangerous. I know we are supposed to all be one big happy family—LGBT all lumped together—but the reality is, that unity is rarely real. You may be surprised to learn that a large portion of the violence experienced by trans* individuals happens at the hands of trans-phobic Lesbians and Gay men. The transgender support group I belong to meets in a building across campus from the LGBT center because so many of us are terrified of being ‘out-ed’ and potentially harassed or worse… I know you don’t want to hear this, but you DON’T understand what it is like for Trans* individuals any more than *I* know what it is like for gay men or African Americans or any other marginalized group.
The issue here is not one of your worth as an ally, it is about the specific help you are offering. A Trans* support group is not an ‘out and proud’ political advocacy party. It is typically a group of frightened and confused individuals trying to make sense of something very personal and private that literally puts their lives at risk. Here I am going to borrow an analogy from a friend of mine… Insisting on being a part of a Trans* support group is “sort of like bulling up to someone who's been physically abused and shouting at them ‘I will hug you until you feel better!!!!!’" Given the context and the situation, it simply isn’t appropriate. I have no doubt you mean well, but situations like this are extremely delicate. Allies need to be understanding and respectful of the boundaries of the marginalized individuals they wish to help—they know better than anyone what they need... and what they don’t. I know it is hard to do, but it is far, far better to ASK HOW you can help rather than to assume you know best- when you don’t. God knows we need support- not bullies.
And, honestly? This post: Help Not Wanted : A Letter to the Transgender Community – reads like an across-the-board accusation and attack on the entire Transgender Community. It is a smear on an entire group of people because one or two individuals hurt your feelings…
Thank for your comments, and please believe me when I say, I appreciate your POV. I take what you said very seriously, particularly the last part. But I would point out that this is MY blog. I was stating my frustration and my feelings about this situation. I did not state ALL people this or that. And the same way you might feel I have clumped all trans together, I feel certain trans-men and trans-women have clump everyone else together, as if their road to self-discovery was harder or more toiled than others. That is not fair. My point in this piece is stated clearly, We are all on our own journeys. Period. The danger in thinking "I'm all alone in my journey" is that you force that reality to become true. I don't agree with the sentiment "Only trans people know what trans people go through." So as long as I'm trans, then and only then, can I understand? That is not fair and what's worse, it's not true.
DeleteFrankly it's pretty widespread that people in the GLBTQ community forget about the Q and also forget about any other group at their arbitrary choice, much less anyone outside the spectrum they consider is 'acceptable'. Like somehow one person's experience is less legitimate than another's? I've seen this in a few places, and it's sickening there as it is here -- sorry people, you don't get to say whose suffering is 'more legitimate'. We've all been bullied, marginalised, and treated like abject rubbish. And as someone who is not cis, I feel tremendous resentment when I myself get marginalised or bullied...typically by people who are GLBTQ themselves. But that doesn't mean I knee-jerk assume that anyone who is a supporter is secretly out to get me. That's called paranoia, and it is irrational.
ReplyDeletePeople, even heavily discriminated-against ones, still tend to equate specific complexions and other physical features with some sort of mythical, farcical 'privilege'...which they misuse as a sociological term, and this basically translates to 'things I wish I had, which I assume you have free access to simply because of your external appearance'. The same tends to be true as well with biological males...because god forbid anyone born with a penis knows how it is to suffer, be marginalised, or be discriminated against, since apparently having a certain anatomical feature means the world is your oyster.
News flash: it isn't.
And honestly, these same people tend not to understand that even if we are all pretty horribly discriminated against, we aren't going to be able to fight that entirely and successfully by ourselves. It's just not going to happen. We need people interested in helping who might not be part of our specific social label groups, or might not be interested in social labels to begin with. And how close-minded is it that people who dislike labels are often shunned and hated by the same people who purportedly want progress, acceptance, and positive change? It's distillation of people down to singular terms that is the very foundation of discrimination. (cont'd)
The more groups shut themselves off into little corners and spout 'you can't understand how much it sucks to be me!', the less progress will ever get made. Because you know what? Maybe another person can't understand your pain as an individual. But that doesn't mean they don't know something they can compare it to, in their own lives. And if you're so insistent that nobody else can understand you, then why bother affiliating yourself with any group in the first place? Other people can't understand what it's like specifically to be you, so what's the point? It's not much different to decide, en masse, that 'nobody understands me' and thus anyone that doesn't share a single social label with you -- despite the others they may share -- is irrelevant.
DeleteI may seem a little harsh here, but there's more than enough reason for it. Discrimination goes in every direction. And those same social labels come up again here; having one doesn't make you discriminatory, nor does it free you from being discriminatory. Honestly, I'm more than done with the idiots who insist -- usually without consulting anyone else -- that because they are uncomfortable with certain groups, everyone else who shares their unifying label should be or even is. And they make outrageous accusations, hurl hateful terms like 'predatory' and 'oppressive', all with the same disregard for the individual that they claim is so important to them.
Your experience is nothing but hate, and it's unfortunate. Because the trans community is one that needs love, acceptance, and kindness...*especially* from the outside. But good luck finding it in the community! It seems a rare commodity. And in a case of 'you don't understand me!', despite claims to the contrary, it's much the same in every one of the other GLBTQ letters.
You have every right to be irritated, even angry, after that experience. You have just been discriminated against, and it's ugliest when it comes from people who should know far better and don't.
Turning this into a fight over who suffers more is a gross misunderstanding of the specific situation. All marginalized individuals suffer from discrimination and members of the dominant culture suffer negative effects for that as well. Trying to put that suffering on a scale of bad and worse is completely irrational— the fact is different people experience discrimination differently. THAT is reality. I have no doubt that Mr. Prater knows what it feels like to be discriminated against. That isn’t the real issue here.
ReplyDeleteMr. Prater’s post is an expression of outrage at being turned away from a transgender support group. This has nothing to do with Trans* individuals believing they are somehow better than other members of the LGBTQ community, nor is it a reflection of some foolish belief that they are worse off than everyone else. This is about a vulnerable group of people who deserve –and desperately NEED— an environment where they can feel comfortable. It is unfortunate, but it is also natural these days to question people’s motives. I doubt anyone meant to actually accuse Mr. Prater of being a predator or having bad motives—they were raising valid concerns that Trans* individuals unfamiliar with Mr. Prater might reasonably have. Being out-ed to the wrong person could have deadly consequences. Also, consider the topics of conversation a Trans* group would have. Discussing your body can be uncomfortable in the best of circumstances—doing so in front of someone who cannot relate adds embarrassment to the equation. It is a delicate topic. Allies are an important part of the LGBTQ movement, but sometimes there are situation where their presence can do more harm than good.
Hushicho and Mark, thank you both for the comments. For myself, i appreciate the different perspectives on this issue, but I think, at least for myself, I would have to agree to disagree. There are too many variables in this equations for there to be one solid answer. However, I hope useful dialogue is produced and maybe one day, we can all come together and rejoice in the things we have in common and even celebrate and discuss and learn about the things we have different.
ReplyDelete